after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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