I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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