i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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