My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
