i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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