he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
