My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
