I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
