I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
