Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
