Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
