youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
