Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
