I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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