Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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