Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
