I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
