You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
