I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize