After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
