She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
