peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
