Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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