did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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