oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
