Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
