Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
