Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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