There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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