i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
