I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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