it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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