woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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