: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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