I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
