I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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