one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
