Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize