At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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