Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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