Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Randomize
