If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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