My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
