Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
