Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
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