you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
