I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
