i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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