the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
