The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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