coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
