Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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