Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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