We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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