sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
