i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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