The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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