dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
