i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
