well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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