just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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