Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
