Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
