Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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