It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize