I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
