Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
